rep.

Just to fill every-stinking-one in, I have a hard time with friends, starting in 6th grade.

In 6th grade, going to middle school was probably one of the hardest things for me, for one it was a new school, more people, bigger, multiple classes and for some reason or another pretty much all my friends stopped being my friend.

I had a really hard time even going to school because I couldn't bear it. I would cry almost every day but then I started getting used to it. By 7th grade I had friends again, the wrong ones. I was friends with a group of girls. The kind of friends who fight A LOT. I was often ganged up on by the girls and had food thrown at me and was laughed at by my "friends" which made my self esteem completely crash to the ground. I needed new friends so by then I started talking to other people and asked if I could sit with them at lunch, 8th grade, new friends. 

A completely new group, which wasn't much better, again more fighting with my bestfriend, but we would get over it quickly. Although I had close friends I started getting a reputation that kept getting worse and worse with time. I started doing things I normally wouldn't do. As in smoking and hooking up with lots and lots of guys. This went through to 9th grade freshman year. I went into highschool with too much confidence that I was "the shit" but the truth was I had no self esteem and was very emotional and got upset very easily.  

but with help from my parents I stopped being friends with those people, the hooking up, smoking, and later drinking continued. 10th grade, I found my people.

Two people, who I could be myself, who I didn't have to do stuff I didn't want to, who didn't dwell on the past, who boosted my self esteem, because by 10th grade again my confidence was low to the ground. I was shy around the people I didn't know all that well and who I didn't want to know how I really was. 

But things were ok, people didn't think of me as ______'s friend. People started liking me more and more, and more and more I was less myself around a big group of friends. Then my two bestfriends morphed into four bestfriends. And once those two friends left over the summer the two new ones sort of took me in, I was pretty much in their group, which was sort of two different groups, neither of which I consider me being very close with. 

So this is now, I still have a hard time being myself around people because I am always afraid of what they might think of me, and I guess everyone might be like that a little bit but after years of up and down self esteem problems and being myself problems and boy problems and being around all the different types of drug problems, it makes it hard for me to feel like I am totally fitting in with everyone. And I know I know, I won't fit in 100% of the time, but it's almost like I fit in like only 50% of the time....It's just hard when your best friend moves across the country, your other best friend is sent to a boarding school, and another best friend goes to a different school. 

I long to be older than I am, to where groups of friends hardly matter, I really wish I was out of highschool. Things seem to be getting harder right when I feel like everything is ok. It's hard to keep going strong when you pretty much have a bad rep. set in stone.

Also I saw marco about three hours ago, it was not awkward at all,which I am completely thrilled about, it's like how it used to be, minus a few things of course. Kyle was here also. He smells so good, marco I mean. Kyle burps around me too much from me to be able to smell is lovely smell. But gosh does marco smell good.