theory by Hayley & Katy

Falling in love is like falling down a well.

I guess a well of nice stuff on the way down.

Because it's nice, it's nice to just let yourself fall and not be held by anything. 

To do what you want, to be how you want, to feel what you want.

But once it's gone, you're stuck.

At the bottom of a fucking well. A cold, painful smack to the ground, with cuts, bruises, feeling crushed and hurt and you would much rather just sit at the bottom and heal, instead of picking your broken heart up all alone you are left, to climb back to the top.

pathetic malicious scandal

annoyed: aroused to impatience or anger.

irritated: angered, provoked.

agitated: excited, disturbed.

distressed: affected with or suffering from distress.

jumpy: subject to sudden, involuntary starts, from nervousness, fear, excitement, etc.

anxious: full of mental distress or uneasiness because of fear of danger or misfortune; greatly worried.

life.

"like an ant farm but with mini pandas"

is he still luke?

"Shakes Come And Go But Friends Are Furrrrr Ever!"

So Katy Conti and I were talking last night in Kyle's sisters bed, about boys. Of course. Talking about how "why is god punishing me with keeping boys away from me what is taking so long for a good guy to come? I mean you have found your guy so where is mine."

I told her that maybe God sees that I have been hurt so badly in the past that I needed the right guy to come sooner opposed to later, and I mean he may not be THE right guy but he is right at the time. For once I am happy. Katy Conti will be too, I honestly think she is such a beautiful girl and funny and amazing and any guy would be so lucky to be with her and cherish her and love her the way she deserves to be loved.

We saw one her ex's the other day and I didn't see him at first until Katy grabbed my arm and her expression completely changed from happy to mortified. It was almost scared how guys really do affect her and I never even see it happen, until one. I only witnessed one, and it wasn't even the worst one. I think I am starting to understand her pain. Like a revolation. I hope she isn't mad about me writing this. She asked to "Analyze Me" And I guess I am pretty much publically analyzing her. 

She is such a beautiful person, with a sadness and a loudness. I am SO thankful that I found her at the perfect time to have my perfect bestfriend. Nothing can compare to her. I have never gotten along with a girl this well before. I love her so much.

"I never wash my pants, I like to keep the night on them"

I am starting to think that things are really going my way, what feels better than getting back into your swing after an awful night?

I really don't know what can compare.

I am actually disappointed, I have never seen someone do this before. Someone who I have known for like five years and have always been close with has decided to get angry over something so small and pointless. Something so dumb that it really takes a low person to tell you right after the whole scene happened that you hated them and that they were a bitch and a hoe and a slut and other dumb words that don't even apply to the situation what so ever. I am just really fed up with boys I have known for five years and had very strong feeling for about three of them. It's just sad.

But besides that, I have been ditching classes too much, three times this week including today which I don't think should even count because I practically fainted in choir and had an impulse to just leave because I didn't even want to deal with school anymore. 

Thanking the Lord that it is friday today, even though I have to wear an ugly polo shirt which I have no idea where it is, I really don't know why I am in choir still.

So I can sing, I am in lower group because I was too lazy to try out, I obviously don't care that much. Why do I even bother, I am hardly even friends with anyone in that class anyways. 

Let alone anyone at my school. 

This is ridiculous. I just want to be a senior and graduate and leave!

"Just so you know, judging from my little experience, I kind of believe in fate. It just works in really fucked up ways sometimes."

There is no helping it, 

There is no changing it,

There is no stopping it,

the feelings keep growing and growing.

"For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great.....you have no power over me."

it's as if you put me in a wonderful dream at times, the kind of dream you never want to wake up out of, the kind of dream where you would be so much more happy just sleeping away your life than actually living it. But you put me in a dream that comes with sudden unexplained nightmares, the kind that makes me want everything to go away, I just want to hide from sleep. It makes me afraid of sleep. So I turn cold and tired and lifeless. You make it this way and only you can change it, you and time are the only ones with the power over me. 

"The core of mans' spirit comes from new experiences."

I know, it's a little late for me especially to be taking driving classes now, but yes I started, lots and lots of reading, but I have already finished 5 out of ten units. 

And it got me thinking about like the future, and I have really never thought about it until now. I always thought that I would just live at home and work at like some close by store and go to moorpark like all the rest of my siblings. But now that I am getting really good grades this year, I kind of want to 1. apply to maybe a few colleges, just to see. I'm thinking ones up north. Not out of state but far enough away that I can't just drive home at a moments notice. 2. learn to drive, which I am! and 3. get a job, once I learn to drive, or something really close by so I can just ride my bike or something. 

SO then thoughts about college and life after highschool kept floating about in my head. And I was talking to Tyler(broham) at the time and he said how much I would like it where he lives. And he said that there are tons of community colleges up there as well. He lives up near San Fransisco which would honestly be amazing to live up there. Where everyone rides bikes and there are cheap sushi stores and little mexican food stores. It would be my paradise.

So I am thinking after highschool I will try to move up there, some how. 

it will be hard but a new life experience. I want to get out of this town, like Tyler said again, "don't stay in TO as long as I did." 

I will agree with him, I want to get out of this town as soon as a possibly can. 

I am excited for new new new and exciting adventures coming my way!

Luke

Luke. Luke. Luke. Luke. Luke. Luke. Luke.

I Remember, when I first saw you, I thought you were at least a junior and I was a sophomore, I thought you were one of the cutest boys I had ever seen. You dressed so nicely and you were probably the sweetest guy I knew. 

Once I found out that you were gay I was actually sad for about an hour with Chelsea because we both had major crushes on you, I remember being at her house after school on a Friday talking about you because everyone had been talking about you at school that day saying that you were having a hard time with your parents.

Who knew that you lived two houses up from Chelsea down the long and scary drive way.  Chelsea and I decided that if we couldn't be your girlfriends we could just be your friends. Which worked out extremely well. I remember not really even knowing you very well but we got a long so well so quickly. It was like an instant bestfriendship. And from the beginning I knew your mom was a super weirdo...eating cheese at 3 in the morning...

I remember dancing with you constantly, wherever we were. You doing your weird hand twists and me attempting to do them but I could never do them as well as you could. You loved to dance, you were so lively and always made me want to get up and dance with you. We danced at school and at identity and everywhere we were, to any kind of music, even to no music at all.

I remember you used to call me pretty much everyday after school, whether or not I had just seen you. I hardly ever answered your phone calls, but when I did we would sit on the phone in silence and you would giggle and I would laugh. And you would bring up weird things and again I would laugh, you always kept me laughing.

And yes, we did the bad things too, I remember we went up into the hills near my house and sat trying to get out of the wind, with an apple and some foil and a special ingredient. We were pirates one day, and mario and luigi the next. In the end this caused so much fighting between us, and sometimes we would stop talking altogether because everyone became worried for you. Especially me, and it was so hard to be mad at you and listen to your voicemail apologizing for everything and hearing you so upset.

I remember one night you were over and we decided to build a fort. Just around my bed, it was our own little fort of truth. We read poems and books to each other and talked and talked about everything imaginable but nothing left that fort, I remember the second time we built it we just laid there in it, not knowing what to say until we both fell asleep for about 20 minutes. We both didn't feel well and you tried pepto-bismal for the first time at my house and you said it was the worst thing you had ever tasted. We also dressed up that night, and almost decided to put on clothes like we were poor hurt children and go stand out on the curb.

I remember when you still went to Westlake and you were the only boy in my dance class, and you tried to teach one group a dance, and I tried to get out of my group to be in yours but got into trouble, but still learned part of your King Kong dance, I remember going over to your house after school and watching you dance your made up dances for me. 

I remember you would go to every show with me, we would sit outside and talk about all the people that walked by and judge all the boys, like one specific time when we were at the Kung Fu Corner looking at a guy we both had never spoken too but we knew who he was, we both watched him and we watching him take his shirt off and both gasp and sigh at the right times, with our oohs and ahhs we thought the boy was beautiful.

I remember you were coming over, and you never told me you looked any different so I wasn't ready to see a completely changed Luke, you came to the door and I opened it to reveal a newly shaved head and gauges that looked 30x bigger.

I slammed the door in your face screaming.

I remember looking through all your amazing art work thinking that this is what luke is really good at, he could really go far with this art. 

his amazing paintings.

I remember you fixed my fisheye camera right before we smoked and went bouncing through the mall laughing at everything, I can remember sitting in Mcdonalds at the mall with Ryan and Pranil and some girl and the girl was like "I KNOW YOU, YOU WENT OUT WITH ONE OF MY GIRL FRIENDS!!" I could not stop laughing. And you started laughing because I was laughing and they just looked at us like something was wrong.

I remember you had things with boys I just couldn't understand why you would ever been interested in them.

Until that one night after really bad dance recital thing. It was for Katie's something or other, and You, Kyle, Anabel, and Max came over. At the spot, where we once "dug up" buried treasure. A kiss with Kyle. 

My two bestfriends, together.

I remember sitting at Chelsea's house in the computer room and we were sitting on chairs close to each other and we were showing Whitney's little friend what it looked like to scissor.

I remember at the Lock in for Identity I got really upset and we just sat at like 4 in the morning on the floor and you listened and listened and listened to me talk about stupid boy stuff. You were there to listen.

420, you came over to Kyle's, this was before the kiss happened. Filled with dancing and smoking and ending up with all of us in the bed together. The beginning of the love.

I remember I would go to your house and run into the back room and take pictures with Dino. My favorite dog, the cutest thing of my life. I also remember when Kt, Kyle and I dropped you off and home and you have to chase Dino around to try and catch him, while Kyle and I where practically crying from laughing at you.

H

O

P

E

tattooed to your wrist. You did it yourself.

When you started doing independent studies you would call me while I was at school and leave me voicemails reading my poems about sunshine and happiness and smiles and rainbows, just so you could make my day just a little bit better.

You also started working at Jamba Juice and would come to class and bring me some. I remember that day when you came and brought me some and Chelsea was furious that she didn't get any and started making up that you didn't even really like me because she was so jealous.

I remember I hadn't seen you forever and you surprised me at school while I was in class, in biology, erickson, I was pretty much in my own world when I heard you saying Hayley, Hayley, Hayley, and I look up and see you there and basically freak out when run and hug you.

I remember at Identity we would walk around holding hands and my friend Hannah didn't know who you were and came over to me and asked if we were dating and I laughed and said no and she was like oh he's cute! and I said yeah I know.....he's gay.

I remember at Zak's house for Michael's birthday they told us to make out and you were like all pumped and ready to but I just couldn't because you had just eaten a ton of gold fish and you would have tasted awful. This was right before Zak through my phone at me and hit in in the forehead.

You were one of the very few people that I actually enjoyed watching you hardcore dance at shows. You were just like one of the boys there, and then could turn into one of the girls when you were with Chelsea and I.

Conejo Valley Days with you, you and kyle on the ferris wheel with Chelsea and I leaning practically falling out our ferris wheel box to catch a glimpse of you guys making out. 

The ferris wheel worker guy saw though, we saw him laughing.

I remember when chelsea called me one day saying that you showed up at her house with your hand all cut up because you had punched a window.

I remember when Chelsea and I came over and we could not stop laughing when we saw that you have basically smashed your wall to pieces.

I hated your mom, I think we all knew that.

I remember when your parents sent you to that mental hospital thing, and you had such a good time there. You called me and we talked for a while and you sounded happy. I didn't see you for a whole week. And had to lie to your friends saying you were vacationing.

I remember the day Kyle ran over to me at school asking if Chelsea or I had spoken to Luke. We hadn't. A few days passed and still no sign of you.

We knew your parents sent you away.

We didn't hear from you for about 3 months, nothing, your mom would only lie to us. Thats why we just had to prank call her every time we felt like she needed a good freak out.

I still hate your mom.

I remember seeing a random missed called and a voicemail from that number, "what's cookin' good lookin'....ahah it's luke....ahha...call me back Hayley."

I think I about died, marco picked me up and we rushed to Kyle's house and finally got a hold of you after what was like four months of nothing.

You made all three of us stunned and excited and exstatic and crazy and caused Kyle to fall to the ground. It was amazing.

Talking to you was so amazing. It was what we all needed, we just all needed to hear from you.

But again you're gone, we still don't know for how long, we still don't know when or if you will be coming back, we still haven't heard from you for I think a month. 

We miss you.

We love you.

We all hope to see you soon.

So many peoples best friend.

One of the most amazing people we have all met.

Again.

so very much.

We love you luke.

I love you Luke.