marco hates history.

I have been thinking about Luke a lot lately. 

Like how last year when he started doing independent studies he would call me while I was at school and leave me voice messages of him reading a poem that he felt that I should hear. And although I would laugh and let Chelsea listen and we would just sit there and laugh our asses off I loved it so much, and miss it like crazy. I miss him so much. [Maybe not as much as Kyle who cries when he mops listening to jack johnson.] But enough to start reminiscing about the old days. Which is one of those things that makes you happy and sad at the same time. Which can be such a good feeling at times.

I just sat on the phone with Kyle talking about how much we miss luke. How if Luke was in the category of sexy, hot, handsome, or cute. He would be hot. And how he is even hotter when he is mad. How we wished we saw him break the window or his wall. 

I miss going to his house and having to endure his mother and roll my eyes when she mentions my uncle and dating him. And how Luke would get really mad at her. Or how I would get annoyed at Luke and run into the little room down the hall with Dino and take pictures with that lovely puppy of love.  Or how Luke and I would dance in front of the mirror in Chelsea's bathroom while my hair was being dyed and I looked like a freakin alien but we didn't care.  Oh how I miss Luke. 

I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him.

rep.

Just to fill every-stinking-one in, I have a hard time with friends, starting in 6th grade.

In 6th grade, going to middle school was probably one of the hardest things for me, for one it was a new school, more people, bigger, multiple classes and for some reason or another pretty much all my friends stopped being my friend.

I had a really hard time even going to school because I couldn't bear it. I would cry almost every day but then I started getting used to it. By 7th grade I had friends again, the wrong ones. I was friends with a group of girls. The kind of friends who fight A LOT. I was often ganged up on by the girls and had food thrown at me and was laughed at by my "friends" which made my self esteem completely crash to the ground. I needed new friends so by then I started talking to other people and asked if I could sit with them at lunch, 8th grade, new friends. 

A completely new group, which wasn't much better, again more fighting with my bestfriend, but we would get over it quickly. Although I had close friends I started getting a reputation that kept getting worse and worse with time. I started doing things I normally wouldn't do. As in smoking and hooking up with lots and lots of guys. This went through to 9th grade freshman year. I went into highschool with too much confidence that I was "the shit" but the truth was I had no self esteem and was very emotional and got upset very easily.  

but with help from my parents I stopped being friends with those people, the hooking up, smoking, and later drinking continued. 10th grade, I found my people.

Two people, who I could be myself, who I didn't have to do stuff I didn't want to, who didn't dwell on the past, who boosted my self esteem, because by 10th grade again my confidence was low to the ground. I was shy around the people I didn't know all that well and who I didn't want to know how I really was. 

But things were ok, people didn't think of me as ______'s friend. People started liking me more and more, and more and more I was less myself around a big group of friends. Then my two bestfriends morphed into four bestfriends. And once those two friends left over the summer the two new ones sort of took me in, I was pretty much in their group, which was sort of two different groups, neither of which I consider me being very close with. 

So this is now, I still have a hard time being myself around people because I am always afraid of what they might think of me, and I guess everyone might be like that a little bit but after years of up and down self esteem problems and being myself problems and boy problems and being around all the different types of drug problems, it makes it hard for me to feel like I am totally fitting in with everyone. And I know I know, I won't fit in 100% of the time, but it's almost like I fit in like only 50% of the time....It's just hard when your best friend moves across the country, your other best friend is sent to a boarding school, and another best friend goes to a different school. 

I long to be older than I am, to where groups of friends hardly matter, I really wish I was out of highschool. Things seem to be getting harder right when I feel like everything is ok. It's hard to keep going strong when you pretty much have a bad rep. set in stone.

Also I saw marco about three hours ago, it was not awkward at all,which I am completely thrilled about, it's like how it used to be, minus a few things of course. Kyle was here also. He smells so good, marco I mean. Kyle burps around me too much from me to be able to smell is lovely smell. But gosh does marco smell good.

I apologize for the inconvenience....

Again I have switched from blogspot to livejournal and then back to blogspot, I honestly don't like livejournal there was way too much going on and I just needed to freaking write and that's it!! I don't need to send gifts to friends and send dumb messages like an email-like blog or something.

It was a little ridiculous. 

But yes I have switched back over, I am sure Yassi would be proud.

And about all the stuff on my previous? I decided that it hardly matters now, this will be my blog now. Now and for a while, until I forget about blogging altogether.

About school, so today is monday, and I thank you jewish people for letting us have a holiday tomorrow, which means sleeping in and maybe doing something fun tonight? I still don't know yet. Well besides that. School is honestly going so well, I have been doing what I had set out to do.  Getting good grades and just focusing at school when I am at school. But I mean, this kind of turned into something different, I don't talk very much to anyone at school, I speak with a monotone voice usually unless it's to like certain people, so it's almost like I don't have very many friends at school, but out side of school those same people are my good friends. It's kind of confusing, like I am a different person at school then I am...not....in....school. 

It's alright I guess, I really want to focus on school anyways, and if that means not very many so called school mates then I am sure I won't have too much drama which will help me stay focused. 

Because I have already had a bad experience when social life or "sex life" got in the way, as in the break up which made me not do any of my homework for almost two nights in a row. So it's good.

AND homecoming is coming up! which I am sorry to say I am not the least bit excited for, I listen to girls in my classes talk about getting dresses and what boys are going on their party bus and blah blah blah. I guess I am going on some party bus, which I don't even feel that welcomed on, seeing as I will probably just be with Anabel and Kyle the whole time since I hardly talk to any of the other girls or guys. And I am pretty sure I ABSOLUTELY HATE dress shopping, I mean joke dress trying on is always fun especially with katy conti, but like for reals dress shopping is so stressful and I have come to the conclusion that I don't look too good in any dresses, so I am avoiding it all together and just wearing Katy Conti's friends old homecoming dress which is pretty cute but I mean I still haven't even tried it on yet. I am sure it will be fine.

I am so very glad to be back with blogspot.