I've got you, under my skin.

It's official now. My other half.

Finally got you, the equal to my grossness, I'm in love with your flaws.

I never would have thought, ever imagined, hanging on to you, holding hands with you, caring about you, loving you.

seven teen years old.

My birthday was exceptionally great since I almost always hate my birthday.

My friends are perfect and feel the need to make me freak out. (Marco, you liar.)

The Pony is perfect.

The Marco Penguin is perfect.

Ed Westwick is perfect.

Merry Christmas..

last day of being 16.

I'm slowly becoming agoraphobic.

Since I feel like things have changed since the last time I did this and I feel like I have grown the know about these specific people even more I will do my "letters to you" again. Without any names whatsoever. Sorry, you will have to just decide for yourself, you may not even be on this.

1. There is nothing much to say about you particularly, because I don't want to flood out the past, and you're gone. You're not here. You haven't been here. (this is obvious who it is.) But really, what can I say about a....ghost? Believe me I really don't want to think of you like that, I just want you to come home. You are/were the light in my life. Like really the happiest person I knew/know. You smiled because you actually felt happy. A lot of my friends now just seem to smile because like a picture is being taken or they don't even smile at all. You were/are so positive. But you're not here. You're not.

2. I feel bad about whenever you honestly, truely are angry with me. I know I am an awful bestfriend but I am glad you are mine. I hope I'm not too bad to you. Because I just love you, I think you're great and the people who don't like you bother me. I hate everyone who makes you upset, which I guess can a lot of the times can be me. But I do honestly want to hurt anyone that has ever hurt you, I want to share your hate for them and tear them apart. I hate it when you are upset hate it hate it hate it. But you, you're such a good person and you are better than me in a lot of ways. You're so weird and annoying and it's perfect you're like my own....personal....little.....hobbit? I don't know something nice that is stupid and annoying but you will just always love it. Because you are my bestfriend and I, for once, want to keep it that way. You don't bug me ever. You don't actually annoy me. I find you wonderful. 

3. How could I possibly have these strong intense feelings for you? After everything we have been through how could I not? You are so amazing and I don't even deserve you, You have crushed me, broken my heart or at least close to it. You put me in such, extreme pain I didn't know how I would ever recover. But you still manage to get me to love you and to want you and to need you in my every day life. I feel like I wouldn't be able to live correctly if you weren't in my life. I would die without you it feels. I constantly think about you and think about us and day dream of years from now and us still being together. But will any of that really happen? It's been four months and I still don't even know what might even happen next month. I never know. I can't tell what stupid mistakes we both may make. We are so young, we shouldn't even have these feelings and act the way we do with each other. But maybe we aren't too young, maybe this is real.

4. Sometimes you just bug me so much, but you can always make me smile, you can always make me laugh. I could never actually be mad at you because you just make me happy. Even when I just see you everything seems a teeny bit better. You said the other day why I always laugh at you. Well that's because you just make me feel good. It's not that you are funny because sometimes you are just embarrassing it's like you make me feel so good that the only thing I can possibly do is laugh! You are just as selfish as I am and don't even try to think otherwise. You are an extremely nice person and everyone knows that, that's why you have so many friends. But you do keep to yourself a lot and sometimes it is hard to figure you out when you won't tell me certain things that may be bugging you. You are an amazing friend though. Regardless of your problem with letting people know how you feel.

5. I can't help but still have feelings for you, they aren't real feelings, there is just a small spot in my heart that is just for you. I do hate it that you don't really care about me and you probably never really did. But I guess I really didn't care strongly for you either. We were objects to each other. But we did get along well after our "relationship" ended. You were there for me in certain cases when I did really need you. And I am so thankful for that and for you. No matter how much of an asshole you are to me I will still just like you. Because everything else aside you do have something from me that I can never ever give to anyone else. And although it probably shouldn't have been for you it was for you. And there is no way to change that.

6. I think that we have grown so much closer over this year that we have been friends, you are such an amazing person that it's hard not to like you. I mean everyone does like you. And you are so modest you will read this and think No, not everyone likes me. And I like that about you because you will honestly believe that. The thing about you is that you won't let anyone change your mind. You will ask for advice and most of the times you won't take it. You will do and say things that happen right in the moment and won't think of any thing past that. You live directly in the moment and that works for you. You are such a good friend and it really is easy to talk to you when it's just you. You have helped me a lot over this year with many different things. And I am sure you will help more.

7. It is weird that I still do feel close with you. We haven't seen each other since summer. But I still feel like we are connected. I feel like if I had the chance I would talk to you and tell you that I wish things were like they were back in summer because you were my bestfriend and I hated it when we stopped being friends. You were just such a strong person but you gradually softened up. I know that it will probably never be the same between us ever again because of all the "hate" that we had for each other but sometimes I think that we could work out all our unspoken problems. You are still a big part of my life.

8. I sometimes wish that I could forget all about you. To not have these such strong feelings for you still, after years of torture. You have hurt me time after time but for some stupid reason I still keep coming back for me. I don't even know why I do have feelings for you. I question that every time I start thinking about you, about how we might be if we ever had something real. Instead of a short talking period of you saying stuff that makes me think that it might just work this time. I know it won't. It never has, you give me false hope and I still don't know how to get you out of my head. I don't know when I will ever be truely over you. Right, I am able to love someone else, so why in the world are you still in head and in my heart? Why do you have to be there? I know it will never work out. And that is hard to deal with because we both know it would be great. But you don't try. And it just pisses me off to no end. 

9. I miss the old you. I love you but you have changed so drastically it's unbearable. You used to be one of my happy friends. Always happy, but something happened to you. I remember that week that you cried almost every time we hung out and no one knew why. You did a lot of stupid things and everything was so difficult for you and you shut your friends out. Sometimes I do see the happy, real side of you but it's hardly ever. I love that side of you. It makes me happy and I hate it when you are sad. It some what hurts to see you crying. And I see it so much. I see you upset or angry or just blank more than I see you happy and smiling and laughing. It's...sad.

This is an "about Hayley Rogers" blog

People may have whatever opinion they like of me, but here is mine.

you can agree to agree, or agree to disagree.

Just to sum all of this up real quick..I. Am. Mean.

I'm also selfish, and rude. I ignore phone calls just because. I blame things on other people too much. I call all my friends stupid and annoying.

I am inconsiderate of most other peoples feelings.

I will say things really uncalled for a then after it's already been said, "oops my bad." 

The majority of my friends get my cruelty. It's just how I am and I'm pretty sure most of my close friends wouldn't have me any other way.

I'd be better as an emotionless boy than a happy peppy perky girl. 

People are alarmed when I wear dresses, and so many friends of mine will tell me that they hate everyone, including me. I don't mind. I usually like you if we are friends, regardless of what the b*tch I am.

The only things I really like are my boyish girl friends, my indie friends, my "hate-the-world" friends, my gay friends, and my books who are my bestfriends. 

I won't cry even if I probably should, but when I do cry it's like a volcano erupting from my face. Blubbering idiot if you ask me. My whole family isn't very affectionate, that's why I'm not ever affectionate unless I actually like you. 

And I'm really fine with that, it really doesn't bother me. 

My bestfriend is Katy Conti and we don't touch each other, unless it's for a picture or when I am bored. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

I think I am becoming more open to my friends, slowly.

I have always had a hard time with that. That's ok though, I like keeping to myself. It's really nice. People aren't always in my business like some people. And it's good.

I like finding out that people talk about me, even if it's bad.

I will always be a tease, I really can't help it. Im sorry to the majority of all boys in the westlake/thousand oaks/agoura/oakpark/newbury park/moorpark/simi valley regions. I find boys stupid and funny and annoying, but I just like them, I get along with them better than girls. I act like them more than I act like a girl. 

"hate" is a big word in my vocabulary.

No matter how much I want to say it, I can't say no..well to certain things.

I dress up too much and like myself best when I look gross, I also can't deal with being without my phone if I am out.

I get annoyed, very annoyed, very easily, lots of people know that.

I get irritated, very irritated, very easily, lots of people know that.

A lot of people think I am always depressed but then a lot of people think I am always happy. I am like a freaking mood ring. 

I don't ever really like the boys that I kiss. It's just something to do. I just do a lot of stupid things when I am bored, and I get in trouble for them a lot. I also cut and dye my hair when I am bored. And dress like a girl also.

it's exciting. I think I am exciting. Even though I sit around most of the time. It makes for a lot of interesting conversations and a lot of good food. I don't care what people at my school think about me.

Because a lot of them think I am:

-A lesbian

-A really big slut

-"emo"

-"indie"

-A really big stoner

-A really big indie stoner slut!

I think they are all really funny. I find people in general just funny. 

I really like to flirt. With everyone. Boys & Girls. 

I am almost 17 but mostly I either act 7 or 70. 

to be continued.......

that's what you get when you let your heart win........

so I have come back, it's weird writing something when I haven't been on for like four weeks. I guess also I never really wanted to express any feelings out in the open.

but what the hell, here goes nothing.

1. To quote John Mayer I'm In Repair.

2. I'm mad that people just decide to not like me, I really don't understand how people can do that. Like it's unfair. Really, normally I wouldn't care but COME ON!

3. you, yes you, make everything so difficult, you say things to me and my heart beats faster and slower at the same time. Then when I think you might be serious, you just might be there to stay, you vanish, again. Why am I still not used to that? You have been doing it since freshman year and still, I can't handle that. I'm thinking I should just stay away, but it's just to hard.

4. For once I am thankful that the drama seems to all be gone...for now.

5. I really like my school friends. I do. I'm glad I do get to see some nice faces while I am in prison.

6. I love my Katy Conti, she's my bestfriend and I'm stupid and she is great, most people like her better than me and I wouldn't have it any other way.

7. I need a youth group, ASAP.

8. I miss marco.

9. I miss weekends with Kyle and Anabel. I love them. I love them. I love them.

10. I MISS ALL THE PEOPLE I USED TO MAKE FUN OF!

11. where my indies at?

12. why do I have to be so stupid?

13. Im gonna miss Hailey when she leaves me school.

14. All I do now, is read. I read and read and read and then, I read some more.

15. I keep having awful dreams with people dying, people telling me they hate me, Christian Nussey being a complete asshole to me(more than usual), I hate dreams like that.

16. I miss the kung fu corner, OK!

17. I need to be ungrounded.

18. NEED TO BE.

19. because...you see....

20. my birthday is coming up, I need to see some human life forms that I haven't in so long. 

I give up on being the bad seed, the rebel, the naughty girl, ok I didn't ever really try for that but I mean I guess I did it, can't I make it all go away now?

push it far away from me? be good for once? be the good child? is that even possible? are all these questions rhetorical? why oh why?????