when it rains, it pours.

I can feel everything just slipping, sliding down.

my negative tone continues to grow, and lately I don't really care. I don't want to try and make things all good and just peachy because that's just not how I feel.

Lately I just feel mean and annoying.

I feel bugged and very rude.

I would rather just sleep.

And dream of things I can't have, and go to places I'll never see.

And I could always see my two old bestfriends. One who clearly has completely abandoned me, only me, and the other I couldn't tell you where the fuck he might be.

And I'm so sorry, my negative pours out all over your sensitive little self. 

I treat you like crap, over and over and over. And why? 

I don't know.

Do I care?

I don't know.

I feel badly every time I hear the tone in your voice sink lower into a something miserable. And I do hate to be the cause of it. 

I hit you when you are hurt. I hear your complaints and I am the only one who could make your spirits lift, but I don't even try.

Maybe I am just disfunctional.

Maybe I just don't even know how to love a person besides my disgusting self.

Maybe I am just really self centered and am at a period in my life that I really could not care any less.

I do care. So maybe I am simply just a liar.

I lie.

But:

I am so angry with you.

I am so annoyed and fed up with you.

Kiss my hand again.

I don't really think your opinion matters.

come back!! PLEASE!

honestly, Luke, you are the only person I have wanted to actually talk to in the longest time. Even if it was just for five minutes, I would give anything to just let everything out on you. 

WHY AREN'T YOU HERE?

I ask to many questions that will always remain unanswered.

Why do I do that?

Are you reading poetry?

The same desperate tone.

Almost as if it was an order, like I should obey.

it's still from last night, like a broken record in my head.

 I would feel bad for me too. It's like I am stuck between a pillow and a soft place.

AND

why now? The talk of moving? The talking of loving?

why it's been almost a full 24 hours?

the words are on a continual loop through my head, the affects have always been the same. It's as if I am an emotion-less blob and a over emotional hysteric at the same exact time.

how could you?

throw that all at me?

vulnerable vulnerable me.

a thought: maybe once I have moved, if I do move, I will finally be free of your torturous acts.

I'm Settled.

with Katy Conti

with Marco San Filippo

with Kyle Holden

with Anabel Englund

with and without Luke O'Halloran

why my blogs feel the need to go out of order?

finals tomorrow, suck ass.

just you just you just you just you

I am dirty, used, and pathetic.

but I have loved and in return have been loved equally, if not more.

The past has past. No place to go but forward. 

right?

But I still can't help but visit.

visit the feeling of old, dead.

but it some how still manages to give me warmth and happiness and I feel welcomed back there.

What could be better than feeling welcome in your life??

CA to NC, or FL, or whatever.

it's been going on for over the past 6 years or so, talk to leaving.

I guess I am ready to go. It's not set but it seems to be more of a yes. My friends are already devastated and I feel for them, but I am sure a few of them wouldn't mind leaving either. I see Chelsea and hear her voice and how happy she actually is across the country, a complete change. 

but maybe I don't want to change everything.

I have so many perfect things here. Things I would want to bring with me, people I would want to take with me.

I would hate to leave about...four of them behind. Another one if he ever decides to come back.

but what is left here? The graduates of 2010 will be going away to college, it won't be highschool anymore. 

So whether I am here or not, in every place there will be drastic changes. 

Things have been changing since last year.

Luke disappears without a word.

Chelsea moves across country.

boy after boy after boy, until Marco is here to stay.

What will happen when I'm gone?

It's still not set in stone, my parents wanting to move well yes, that is set in stone.

Senior year. A new school. A new state. A new life?

That's tough, who knows if I can handle it. And I'm not really the type of person to be able to handle things. (People who have seen or heard me cry know what I'm all about.)

I'll go, but I won't really be leaving.